When I Wish My Partner Might Die

It’s a horrible thought, so you judge yourself and shut it down. But listen, what is it trying to say?

When we think about daydreaming, the cartoon image of a person with a cloud bubble overhead often pops out. Perhaps it is about vacationing in a beach resort or being promoted into a senior manager. But is that all we dream about?

Pillow propped against the wall, I sat on my bed typing furiously…

Me: Last night, I googled something that might appal you. I mean, I don’t know. I had the thought long ago but at the time I was horrified and tried to erase it form my mind.

He: Tell me. I’m curious.

Me: Okay… well, when I was with him, I daydreamed a few times about how a car accident may suddenly take his life…

Before he had the time to reply…

Me: I know how sick this is. Back then, I was seriously ashamed of my thoughts. Something triggered my past memory yesterday and I googled to see if that was normal.

He: What did you find?

Me: I found this “Why We (Sometimes) Hope the People We Love Might Die”

Photo by Kiwihug on Unsplash

Little did I realize, I was accumulating a truckload of resentment.

It was not that we didn’t fight.

Instead of confronting our differences, we avoided conflicts.

Unaware and unresolved.

It’s amazing how human emotions could turn 180 from one second to the next. When a particular subject is brought up, a happy face may quickly turn into someone who can’t be reasoned with.

Watching his half-closed eyelids on the screen, I was suddenly reminded of something…

Me: Did you write the postcard? *tone explosive*

He: No… I’m still thinking what to write. *sheepish*

Me: I’ve told you a thousand times! *heart sank*

He: I know… I’m sorry. Give me two days!

Saying nothing, I gave him two eye-rolls.

He: Are you angry at me?

Me: No. *stubborn*

He: You can be angry. I’m really sorry. How can I make it up to you?

Me: Stop saying sorry. It’s useless, and just write the damn postcard.

Photo by Alex Azabache on Unsplash

So, I am allowed to be angry?

Are my negative emotions accepted?

Enlighten me.

Teach me not to avoid, blame, criticize, minimize and shame other’s feelings when all I want to do is to shut them down.

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