They Don’t Mean to Push You Away, Adult Children

Some things you just don’t know until you step into each other’s shoes.

The sun shined into the car, warming the leather seats. It was a Saturday afternoon, so I expected the traffic. Even with the blasting air-conditioning, the air felt still.

Staring into my windshield, I could feel him choosing his words very carefully next to me…

He: I also felt like that in the past. I resented them.

Me: But I just hate that they push me to do what they want. They’d make up stuff just so I would behave like the child they expect me to be.

He: I know. It’s really hard. *tone gentle*

Me: Yeah. And I’m so unhappy. How could they not understand? Don’t they know that they are the reason that I want to kill myself sometimes? *almost shouted*

He: I don’t think they’d do that knowing it makes you this unhappy.

Me: So what am I supposed to do? *defeated*

He: Forgive them.

Photo by Logan Fisher on Unsplash

I’ve never been a parent, and maybe I will one day.

Until then, I can choose to accept that none of us is perfect.

They are simply doing what they think is right.

They’ve done their best.

In our family, we tend to eat freshly-cut fruits after dinner to serve as desserts. In Taiwan, the variety of fruits at the store depending on the season. Rarely imported, we are blessed with great weather and soil.

Sitting around the long table munching on java apple, I couldn’t help the question boiling inside me…

Me: Why did you have to go through mom to talk to me? You could have talked to me directly. *blurred out*

He: Well, I mean… we were just discussing… and… because, well, you don’t listen. *caught off guard*

Me: If you don’t tell me, how could I have known or had the chance to listen?

He: Well… you get defensive like this…

Me: No, I mean… we are talking about this and I think if you had something to tell me, you should just say it! *raising my voice*

She: Because you haven’t thought about us. Have you thought about how we felt when you made all your life decisions? You don’t even consider what we have to say, so of course, it’s hard for us to tell you anything. *in one breathe*

Photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

I was stunned into silence.

So there is a version of myself unknown to me.

Me from other’s perspectives.

When I could not see from their perspectives, I also lose an angle of myself.

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