I’m Not Jealous, But Don’t Talk to Me About Your Ex

Or the fact that you had sex before.

Growing up in Taiwan, I had always thought jealousy is a sign of a healthy relationship. You care, and that’s why you get jealous.

This belief was shattered when he began taking me to church…

He: Jealousy is a wasteful emotion. If you know the person loves you and cares for you, why would you get jealous of the pitiful things? And if the person doesn’t care, why would you still be with him or her?

Me: Hmm, I’ve never thought about it that way… so there’s no point getting jealous? *confused*

He: Exactly. Most of all, jealousy is a deadly sin. *patient*

Me: Yeah, I heard what the pastor said today.

He: And that’s why I’m not the jealous type. *face serious*

Photo by Jacob Bentzinger on Unsplash


He was a man of his words.

Gradually, I also began to preach the idea.

I don’t know if I actually believed it, but I believed him.


It was a Saturday morning. I sat at the edge of the bed with a determination stronger than anything I’ve felt before.

Dialling the number, I slowly bring the phone to my ear…

Me: I have something to tell you. You probably won’t like it but I need to break it to you. I felt like you’ve had this assumption about me the past three weeks we’ve been dating.

He: Okay…?

Me: And I thought I should at least be honest. If you leave me for what I did before I met you, well, then, so be it.

Silence.

Me: I told you I’m not a virgin before we started dating, but you seem to think that it was a one-off mistake with only one ex. Well, it wasn’t.

On the other end of the phone, I heard the sound of wailing.

Photo by Alexander Krivitskiy on Unsplash


I took the earliest bus and even bought slices of cakes.

Over and over, I apologized and cried with him.

Although I was not sure what I was sorry for, I felt the guilt and regrets.


Fooling around in bed, we both knew that nothing was going to happen. Either his or my self-control would save us from crossing the line.

Reaching for his pants, I unzipped them without much trouble…

He: So you’ve done this before. *blurred out*

Me: Umm, yeah… *froze*

He: Okay, I don’t want to hear about it. It’s too much. *looked away from my face*

Unsure how to respond, I laid there wishing I could hide underneath the blanket.

Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash


Years later, some said I should not have been punished for my past.

For me, that was beside the point.

In the moment of vulnerability, what if we had dropped the pride and revealed our weakness?

Why was it so hard?

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