The unconscious inner resentment is scarier.
The grey sky from this angle through the window looked like it had cried. After two hours of brainstorming on her unconsciousness worksheets, she still didn’t seem satisfied. I checked my phone and reminded her that I had to go in 15 minutes…
She: Oh, it’s time already? *horrified*
Me: Yeah, sorry, I’ve got a student this evening. *apologetic*
She: No, no, thank you so much for this. *gesturing at the worksheets* I didn’t get a chance to ask, how’s your relationship going?
Me: Well, you know, long distance is difficult. We fight on and off. *a little embarrassed*
She: What? On video cam?
Me: Haha, yes! Actually, we had a big fight this morning, and I just realized how you can love and hate someone at the same time.
She: What? You’ve been in numerous relationships, yet this was the first time you came across this idea!? Oh, this girl… *visibly sighed*
Hate is such a strong word that I refrain from using in my vocabulary.
Perhaps, this self-control also stops me from feeling powerful emotions.
The emotions of love and hate co-existing. The idea frees me.
People walked by briskly without a pause. Right, it was a Friday evening. We all had somewhere to be. I watched the yellow streetlights against a dark blue backdrop of the cloudless sky.
Feeling the weight of my phone in the jacket pocket, I twirled with the earbuds cord…
Me: Okay, you know all those things I said… *holding the microphone close to my lips*
Me: Just those things about… why are we even together? are we right for each other? maybe this is not going to work… yeah, you know I said them to hurt you back, right? Like I didn’t actually mean any of it… *trailed off embarrassed*
He: Haha, yes I know. I’m used to it. You hated me for hurting you. I got that, so I didn’t take it seriously. *tone relaxed*
Me: What? What do you mean you are used to it? *half laughing*
He: Well, this is a relationship. We knew we would hurt each other along the way. It just depends on if we run away or face it head-on.
Hurt is inevitable.
And when you love so deeply, hate is all the more profound when they hurt with words as sharp as knives.
Let the emotion out. We will carry it together.