So You Hurt to Avoid Your Own Pain

We all carry our own baggage. It’s heavy enough.

Gazing into each other’s eyes, we both had been crying. Neither of us had anticipated this being the end of our relationship, but it was already too late. This was too painful to bear. I just wished it could end already…

He: Why are you so cold? You are like a different person. Where was that sweet girlfriend I love? What happened to you? *howled*

Me: I’m so sorry… I just… don’t feel anything… *still sobbing*

He: Why? How did this happen? Was I not intellectual enough for you? *angrily*

Taken aback by the question, I quickly reassured him.

Me: No, it has nothing to do with your intellect! You’ve always been so wise. You read the Bible through and through. I truly respect your opinion and intelligence. *desperate to make him feel better*

Photo by Carolyn V on Unsplash

That question hit me hard.

Seven and a half years, we had never discussed either of our insecurities.

We prided ourselves being the most stable couple for not fighting, but what we were really doing was avoiding.

Over the years, I had developed decent cooking and baking skills. Standing in the kitchen, I listened to the sizzling sound of butter in the pan and diced my onions with Chef Ramsey’s technique.

Still holding his iPad, he approached the pan to see what was cooking…

He: My brother passed the air force aptitude test and will be receiving training soon. *announced cheerfully*

Me: Wow, that’s so cool! Your parents must be so glad! *squeaked*

He: Yeah, they had a feeling he’d pass. I mean, he’s smart. *shrugged*

Me: Yeah, I know. We attended the same university.

He: Right, but you are not smart like him. He’s smart smart, you know?

Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

At the time, I did not realize why it stunned so much.

I silently agreed with him, but the memory of his comment seared into my head.

Were you insecure about your intellect?

Have you always felt you could not compete with your brother?

Was that why you diss me instead?

I am so sorry. We both were hurting and avoiding.

I am so sorry that we did not realize soon enough to save what we had.

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