If Depression Didn’t Kill You

What didn’t kill you doesn’t always make you stronger.

The still air permeated the room. Wooden floor reflecting the yellow light in the kitchen did not provide warmth. One hand gripping the chair, I moved slowly searching for my phone…

Me: I think what happened just now triggered the emotion again. The pain is so real. I feel like I can’t breathe. *fingers trembling as I typed*

She: Don’t think about those. You’ve got so many people who love you. You can overcome this.

Me: But it’s so painful… I can’t help thinking about all the tools that could end it all.

She: No, you need to see the reality. You are letting the negative thoughts blind you.

Me: That’s true, but how could I stop this pain and the urge to end my life?

She: Stop, now you are just looking for attention.

Photo by Simone Mascellari on Unsplash

At the moment, it hurt to hear that from someone I trust.

Now, though, I can understand her impatience.

Admitting our inability to help our friends is, sometimes, more challenging than minimizing their problems.

I don’t try to hide my experience, but I also don’t tell everyone I meet. It is commonly acknowledged as a sensitive information that’s not shared or discussed unless you know the person well. For me, I see it as an opportunity to deepen the connection…

He: Oh wow, umm… I’m glad that you’ve got over depression. I would never be able to tell from your bubbly personality.

Me: Haha, yeah, sorry if I shocked you with the revelation. You can never tell from a person’s exterior I guess.

He: No, I’m totally surprised. You just seem so normal! Wait, was that offensive? Sorry, but please don’t take it the wrong way. And man, I can’t imagine, overcoming that must have been a hell of life experience. *blurred out quickly*

Me: Hmm I don’t know if “overcome” is the right word choice. I wouldn’t say that I overcame or got over, more like… I just learn to live with it.

He: What do you mean? *confused*

Me: Sometimes, things, events or people in life remind you of the same feeling you felt during depression. And that itself may trigger another episode. So as you come across these experiences, you learn to cope with it.

Photo by Caterina Berger on Unsplash

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