I also thought I had a connection with God.
Overly the years, I’ve grown a pretty significant resentment towards small talks. For me, they are boring and simply a waste of time. Going to great lengths to avoid small talks, I even chose Monday as my work-from-home day of the week.
The summer sun was already dawning as we walked out of his friend’s place. I heard myself whined…
Me: Seriously, you know how I hate small talks. We just sat around and talked about nothing. We could have been doing something else. The whole time I was thinking that I should have brought a book with me. *frustrated*
He: You can’t avoid small talks. You will just have to get through them. *trying to be patient*
Me: But they are just so meaningless. There’s no content. *persisted*
He: Well, it’s the same thing when I hang out with your friends. They love board games, and honestly, I just want to sit and chill. Why do we have to play anything at all?
Me: Yeah… true…
To be honest, I rather enjoy playing board games at my friend’s.
The atmosphere of everyone investing all their energy in one thing in the comfort of our own space is just stimulating enough.
But I dared not say that fear I would seem uncool.
In the past, I had been able to enjoy myself at his big family gathering. This time, however, I felt particularly lonely despite the beautiful weather and happy chitchats.
Staring straight ahead through the windshield, I couldn’t help myself…
Me: Your mom seemed a little awkward when I answered that I’ve been reading psychology books and attending workshops on suicide intervention. *blurred out*
He: Yeah, my aunt did comment that you weren’t as cheerful as you used to be.
Me: Yes… I know, but each time we visit, they ask the same questions. How’s life? What kind of work do you do? How are your family back home? Where are you from again?
He: Haha, they ask me the same questions too. That’s just them. They still love and care for you though. *shrugged*
Me: You are joking! That’s not how you love and care for someone? *in disbelief*
Perhaps it was depression or suicidal thoughts.
Thinking back, I used to pride myself on being able to talk about anything with anyone.
In my mind, the ability to be able to talk about sports games as if I watch them daily was a skill that could make anyone envious.
On the verge of breaking up, we sat on the couch, voice cold.
He: You’ve changed. You used to be a go-getter, independent woman. What happened to you? *tone harsh*
Me: I don’t know. Maybe my depression last year. Or maybe I’ve found more meaningful ways to have conversations. *defensive*
He: Depression?! That wasn’t even… you don’t know how hard life could be. I guess you are not as strong as I thought you were… *turned away*
Lost for words, I kept quiet.
He: I had depression, too, and then I found God. All those conversations, you should be having them with him. Philosophy and psychology… these things will drive you away from God.